Post Modern Dating Advice for 2020

Post Modern Dating Advice for 2020

Posted By: Kelly Seal Date: 01-16-2020 Comments: 0

The last decade of dating brought us dating apps – and along with them the ubiquitous “swiping” culture. We quickly coined terms like “ghosting” and “breadcrumbing” to explain a date’s sudden disappearance, or hot and cold responses – bad behaviors that seemed to be increasing. Eventually we learned that all of the swiping that was once new and exciting had become – exhausting.

As we enter a new decade, people are looking for a little more depth from their dating experience. Rather than endless swiping, they want to connect. They don’t want to waste so much time. Instead of signing up for five dating apps, they are opting for “dating detox” periods where they turn off their apps and instead choose to interact IRL.

 But dating in 2020 is still a work in progress. While we’ve collectively moved past the initial thrill of swiping, we have engaged in some new behaviors that might not serve us. Here are some dating practices we’re tackling in the new decade, along with some post-modern dating advice, inspired by an article in Marie Claire:

Being Kanye’d.

Have you been on a date where the only thing your date wants to talk about is – himself? You’re not alone, and this has been a turn-off for a long time, but now there’s a name for it: being Kanye’d.

Advice: If your date isn’t asking you questions because he won’t stop talking about himself, you may want to let him know you’re not feeling it.  If you happen to be the one doing all the talking and you realize how little you about your date by the end of the night, consider talking less and being more curious about the person sitting across from you.

Yellow Carding.

Yellow carding is when you call your date out on bad behavior, which is becoming more of a trend. A lot of daters are sick of bad behavior and are sharing their frustration directly rather than suffering through a bad date or not responding to messages afterwards. It’s definitely a more pro-active approach, if you aren’t afraid of conflict. 

Advice: If you’re being Kanye’d, you might want to consider “yellow carding” your date.  Just saying.  

Astrology is hot.

The numbers are in: 58% of Millennials pay attention to astrology and believe that we all have certain tendencies based on the alignment of our stars, which can affect relationships. Is it fact or fiction? Who knows, but there’s no denying the point of interest for young daters.

Advice: If you want more dates, it’s time to include your sign in your dating profile, or perhaps a characteristic trait or two, to be considered a match by potential dates. What does it hurt to consult the charts? On the flip side, if you are discounting all Virgos from your pool of dates, you are definitely missing out on opportunities. Keep an open mind and don’t dismiss someone because of their birthday. The stars shouldn’t be the only factor in determining a relationship’s chances.

Cause-Playing.

Cause-playing is mixing business and career goals with your dating life, which is a typical (and frustrating) practice, particularly in Los Angeles. Let’s say you struck up a casual relationship with one of your dates that eventually ends. Then your date approaches you after the break-up to ask for a favor, like passing along a new screenplay she’s written to a producer you know. This is cause-playing. 

Advice: If you’ve been approached by an ex or a former date for a favor, consider your own feelings. Is this something you would feel comfortable doing? Do you want to help? It’s fine if you are willing, but if it makes you feel uncomfortable, let your ex know that you’re not into it. Keep the boundaries of personal and professional intact.  

Eclipsing.

Think Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride. When you start dating someone, if you tend to adopt the hobbies and preferences of your date (claiming that you’ve always liked and/or done these things), you are eclipsing. According to Marie Claire, an astounding 45% of people have done this.

Advice: This can be a problem if you don’t really know or want to share your own preferences, for fear of being rejected. Instead of trying to please your partner, it’s time to take a deeper look at your own wants and needs and honor them. Authenticity is key for connecting with someone. If you don’t know what you like, then it’s time to do a little solo research. Sign yourself up for activities that you’ve been curious about pursuing. Invest in some life coaching. Do this for yourself because you don’t want to end up lost in any partnership.    

Dial Toning.

When someone asks for your number, but never uses it. If you message them, you get no response. 

Advice: Don’t ask for someone’s number if you’re not going to use it. And if you don’t hear from someone, don’t second-guess their motives, just move on.  

Some more post-modern dating advice:

  • Meet people in person. According to Marie Clair, 80% of daters would rather meet in person than through a dating app, but they are scared to walk up and strike up conversation. It’s 2020–practice your social skills!
  • Since most people are on dating apps, it’s about time that we point out (and admit to) our own bad behavior, instead of just complaining about our matches and dates. Yes, yellow carding is a net-positive, just don’t be a jerk about pointing something out. Accept that we all have some room to learn and grow.
  • Instead of swiping through profiles and matches so quickly, try limiting the number of matches you consider per day, or the amount of time you spend swiping. As you can probably attest to yourself, having endless choices doesn’t lead to lasting partnerships. Instead, focus on getting to know one of your matches in person. In other words, schedule more dates!

Happy dating in 2020!

Kelly Seal is a freelance writer, dating expert, and author of the book “Date Expectations: A Guide to Changing Your Dating Life and Finding Real Love.” She got her start in the dating industry by hosting speed dating events around southern California and offering advice and encouragement to attendees. She now lives in L.A. and spends her free time hiking in the Santa Monica mountains and blogging at www.kellyseal.com.

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